People are struggling, and we feel it, even when we don't see it.

You sense a shift in a colleague. You notice an employee isn't quite themselves. You hear whispers of divorce, grief, or something harder. But what do you do?

In today's workplaces, we're told to lead with empathy. To care about people beyond their output. But when real life shows up, mental health crisis, domestic abuse, family breakdown, many leaders freeze.

They're unsure:

Is it my place to ask?
What if I say the wrong thing?
What if they open up and I'm not prepared?

This article is for the leaders, HR teams, and colleagues who want to support, but worry they might do more harm than good.

The Hummingbird in Your Kitchen

Let me tell you a story that changed how I think about helping people in crisis.

I was in Mexico, staying at my friend Lizzy's beautiful casa, when I heard her yelling from the kitchen. A hummingbird had flown in through the open doors and was now trapped, bashing itself against the high dome windows, chirping frantically, exhausted and terrified.

We tried everything. I stood on the dining room table with a 10-foot pool skimmer, hoping it would trust the perch long enough for me to carry it outside. But it kept returning to the windows, unaware that help was right there, so willing to help.

It was painful to watch. The agony. The struggle. And our complete inability to help without its cooperation.

We eventually found it collapsed in the kitchen sink, wings splayed, feathers scruffy, barely chirping, eyes closed. I gently coaxed it into my hands and moved it outdoors to a safe spot with sugar water.

Slowly, it revived. Its eyes opened. The chirping grew stronger. And then, a loud whirring sound. Another hummingbird had arrived, flying frantically around us with what seemed like relief. Was this a partner? A parent?

The concerned companion coaxed the exhausted bird into a nearby tree and perched beside it. Within moments, the revived hummingbird barely resembled the ruffled creature we'd rescued. It survived.

On the plane back to Calgary, it hit me: this is what domestic abuse looks like.

The person trapped and terrified. The witnesses feeling helpless. The painful waiting. The vulnerability hangover that follows reaching out. The hope that someone will be ready when they finally are.

The Cost of Silence

Here's what we know: domestic abuse, divorce, and mental health crises are costing Canadian corporations over $1.5 billion annually in lost productivity, absenteeism, and turnover.

But the human cost? Immeasurable.

One in three women (& 1 in 4 men) has experienced abuse. Eighty percent of people experiencing domestic abuse tell someone in their social networks first, not a helpline, not a counselor. Someone like you.

And yet, we stay silent. We notice the signs but convince ourselves it's not our business. We want to help but fear we'll make it worse.

Meanwhile, that person, your colleague, your employee, your team member, is bashing against the windows like that hummingbird, unaware of how close help is.

The truth is: studies show that one positive conversation is likely to lead someone to seek further help. One conversation can buffer some of the negative mental health effects of abuse and lower self-blame.

But we have to be willing to have it.

Why Leaders Hesitate (And Why That Has to Change)

The fears are real and valid:

"Is it my place to ask?" You worry about crossing professional boundaries, being intrusive, or making assumptions.

"What if I say the wrong thing?" You're terrified of causing harm, triggering trauma, or saying something that makes them shut down.

"What if they open up and I'm not prepared?" You fear you won't have answers, resources, or the emotional capacity to hold space for their pain.

"What about liability? HR concerns? Documentation?" You worry about legal ramifications, saying something that creates risk for the organization, or handling confidentiality improperly.

"What if they deny it or get angry?" You fear rejection, damaging the relationship, or making things awkward going forward.

Here's what I want you to hear: These fears don't mean you shouldn't try. They mean you need to be prepared.

And preparation doesn't mean having all the answers. It means having the courage to show up, the humility to admit you don't know everything, and the resources to point toward help.

REAL Talk: A Framework for the Conversations That Matter

This is where Sagesse's REAL Talk becomes essential. It's not fancy or complicated, it's a guide to help us understand and talk openly about domestic abuse. It's just a moment between two people.

REAL Talk stands for:

R – Recognize

Recognizing domestic abuse isn't about checking off a list of signs. It's about noticing patterns of behavior that don't seem to fit for someone. When people are acting different than they usually are. When fear shows up where it didn't before.

In the workplace, this might look like:

An employee who suddenly seems exhausted, distracted, or withdrawn
Someone who checks their phone anxiously or seems to need "permission" for routine decisions
A colleague who's started avoiding social events, working late alone, or making excuses
Visible signs of stress: weight loss or gain, changes in appearance, increased sick days

Recognition is about checking in on our assumptions. If something feels off, there's a chance something is going on.

Think of the hummingbird: I didn't need to know why it was trapped to recognize it needed help.

E – Empathize

When someone confides in you, your response will affect how that person seeks help again in the future.

Empathy means taking the perspective of another person and acknowledging how they feel. It's not about fixing it, sugar-coating it, or putting a silver lining around what they're going through.

What empathy sounds like:

"I'm sorry you're going through this."
"That must be incredibly hard."
"I can see how difficult this is for you."
"Wow, I don't know what to say. My heart hurts for you."

What empathy doesn't sound like:

"Everything happens for a reason."
"At least you have your job/kids/health."
"Have you tried...?" (launching into advice)
"I went through something similar, and here's what I did..."

Remember: This conversation isn't about you or your experience. It's about the connection between you and another person. You don't have to understand or agree. You just have to be willing to witness their pain without trying to make it go away.

A – Ask

Be curious. Ask questions that give you a better sense of the situation and how best to support the person experiencing the crisis.

Questions that open doors:

"How are you really doing?"
"I've noticed you seem [specific observation]. Is everything okay?"
"Is there anything going on that I should know about, or that you want to talk about?"
"What do you need right now? How can I support you?"

Important reminders:

Be encouraging, not prescriptive. Instead of "Here's what you should do," try "You're stronger than you know" or "I believe in you."
Lose the ego. You are not the expert. You're looking for shared understanding, not answers.
Acknowledge the abuse if they share it. Don't minimize, rationalize, or explain it away.
Remove blame. Never suggest it's their fault or ask "Why don't you just leave?"

When the hummingbird finally allowed my help, it wasn't because I had all the answers. It was because I created space for it to accept support on its own terms.

L – Listen

Listening means creating space for someone to define their own experience without judgment.

This is hard because:

We want to fix things
We're uncomfortable with pain
Silence feels awkward
We worry we're not doing enough

But here's the truth: Sometimes the best you can do is recognize that what that person is going through is painful and difficult. Sometimes your presence, your willingness to sit in the discomfort, is the most powerful thing you can offer.

What to say when someone opens up:

"Thank you for telling me."
"I'm glad you trusted me with this."
"This must be hard to talk about."
"You're not alone."
"I believe you."

What listening honors:

Their experience and all they've done to resist violence or protect themselves
Their choice, even if that choice is to stay in an unhealthy situation
Their timeline, leaving doesn't always make abuse stop, so staying is a choice too

Remember: It's not about you. It's about holding space for someone else's reality, even when that reality is hard to witness.

The Vulnerability Hangover (And How to Navigate It)

Here's what often happens after a deep, vulnerable conversation: the person who opened up starts to feel exposed. Embarrassed. Uncertain about how this changes your relationship.

This is the vulnerability hangover, that awkward distancing that follows heart-to-heart disclosure.

If you've experienced this, you know how confusing and disorienting it can be. They might avoid you. Act overly formal. Pretend the conversation never happened.

The cure? Address it directly, then give them space.

Try saying:

"Hey, since our talk you might be feeling awkward or concerned about confidentiality. I want you to know, thank you for trusting me."
"I believe you."
"What you shared is safe with me."
"If you ever want to talk, I'm always here."
"If you need help, we'll find the right resources together."

Then, (and this is crucial) keep things light and normal. Go back to your regular interactions. Show them the relationship hasn't been damaged by what they shared.

Think of the hummingbird: I witnessed it in its worst moment, but it recovered with resilience when it allowed my assistance. Its companion was relieved, accepting, and supportive. The relationship wasn't defined by the crisis, it was strengthened by the support.

Reaching IN, Not Waiting for Reaching Out

Here's the paradigm shift: Don't wait for people to reach out. Reach in.

You may feel:

Unsure and unprepared
Afraid of rejection or insulting them
Worried about your own safety or boundaries
Uncertain what to offer if they are ready

These feelings are valid. But they're not reasons to stay silent.

Here's how to prepare:

Take a REAL Talk workshop. Sagesse offers customized training for workplaces, government offices, retail stores, community organizations, and corporate teams. Learning the framework builds confidence and competence.
Have resources ready. Keep a list of local shelters, crisis lines, mental health supports, and legal resources. You don't have to be the expert, you just need to know where to point people.
Create a culture of checking in. Normalize asking "How are you really doing?" Make it okay to not be okay.
Model vulnerability. Share (appropriately) when you're struggling. Show your team that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Be patient. You may have to wait and watch them return to something painful. But be ready and willing when they are ready.

No judgment. Only compassion.

The Ripple Effect: Why This Matters Beyond the Individual

When you support someone through abuse, divorce, or mental health crisis, you're not just helping one person. You're:

Modeling human-first leadership for your entire team
Creating psychological safety where people feel seen and valued
Reducing turnover and absenteeism by addressing root causes
Building trust that strengthens your organizational culture
Potentially saving a life

And here's the truth that keeps me doing this work: Many people experiencing abuse never access formal supports. Only 36% of spousal violence victims contact formal services. Men are even less likely to seek help than women.

But 80% tell someone in their social networks first.

You might be that someone.

And your willingness to show up, imperfectly, awkwardly, without all the answers, could be the turning point that changes everything.

The Invitation

If you've read this far, you already know someone is struggling. Maybe you've sensed it. Maybe they've hinted. Maybe you've been that hummingbird yourself and you recognize the signs.

Here's what I'm asking you to do:

Don't wait for the perfect moment. Don't wait until you're fully prepared. Don't wait until they ask for help.

Reach in.

Have the conversation. Use the REAL Talk framework. Be willing to witness discomfort. Prepare your resources. Handle the vulnerability hangover with grace.

And if you're a leader or HR professional reading this, bring REAL Talk to your organization. Empower your teams to have these conversations. Normalize talking about the hard things. Create a culture where people don't have to suffer in silence.

The next time you sense someone needs your help, remember the hummingbird. You may have to wait patiently. You may witness them bash against the windows. You may feel helpless.

But when they're ready, when they finally allow you to help, you can offer what they need most:

Hope. Resources. And the message that they're not alone.

Take Action

Share this article with a leader, HR professional, or colleague who needs to read it.

Book a REAL Talk workshop for your team. Contact Sagesse at realtalk@sagesse.org to bring this life-changing training to your workplace.

Start the conversation you've been avoiding. Today. Right now.

Because somewhere in your organization, someone is the hummingbird, trapped, exhausted, and unaware of how close help is.

You could be the one who helps them fly free.

Deena Kordt

Publisher | Podcaster | Speaker

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This article was written by Deena Kordt and featured in her ‘Human First’ LinkedIn Newsletter.
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**Meet the Author - Deena Kordt**

Deena Kordt, publisher of Life Changes & Divorce Magazine Canada, host of the Life Changes Channel podcast, is also an author & speaker from Southern Saskatchewan with a passion for inspiring personal growth and community support. Growing up on a farm and ranch, she developed strong small-town values and a deep sense of community. Deena has had a diverse career, including roles as a nurse, librarian, and reiki master, but her most cherished role is as a mother.
Deena's books, podcast, magazines, blog and presentations aim to help individuals reconnect with their inner strength and joy, encouraging them to embrace life with courage and resilience. She has overcome significant personal challenges, including the loss of two brothers and living in an abusive situation, which has fueled her mission to support others on their healing journeys.
Known for her adventurous spirit and rock 'n roll heart, Deena believes in the power of a supportive community of women. She invites you to join her in exploring life with curiosity and courage.
**Awards and Recognition:**
2023 Womanition Trail Blazer Award Nominee
2024 Soroptimist International Ruby Award Winner
2025 IOFP Top Women’s Leadership Coach & Publisher of the Year
**Deena has been featured on several podcasts and magazines, co-hosts the** **“Shift Happens Show”** **and is working on her memoir.**

Note: The author, compiler and publisher do not assume and hereby disclaim any liability to any party due to these words coming from the author’s own opinion based on their experiences. This account is based on the author’s own personal experience. We assume no responsibility for errors or omissions in these articles.

Hummingbirds & Hangovers: Real Talk We're Avoiding (That Could Save Lives)